had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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