Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
