Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
