I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite