and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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