Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
