Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
