got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
