You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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