Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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