OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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