Will you blow on my dice?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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