I could make wine with my vomit
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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