Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
