There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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