She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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