i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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