So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
