i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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