Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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