I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
