I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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