if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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