Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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