I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I need to align my fucking chakras
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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