i would punch a child for taco bell
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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