You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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