she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
