I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
