a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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