tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
