Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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