Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
