That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
