turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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