and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How's work?
Spinning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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