A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
