That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
