My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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