I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
