You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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