you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
