Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
