I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
