Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
