Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
