god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
