Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
