my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
