i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
