I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
