I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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