You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.