nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
