i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
