I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
