...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
